Monday, January 19, 2015

The UGLIEST part of me… the big reveal

I have a confession.  There is something I have kept hidden from others for years.  It’s the ugliest part of me.  It’s embarrassing and I don’t want to share, but it’s time.

The struggle started when I was a young teenager.  The teen years are filled with moments of insecurities, fears, and doubts.  There are struggles with trying to fit in, raging hormones, and out of control acne.  It is a time of discovering who you are and who you want to be. 

Is there anything about yourself that you don’t particularly like… anything you wish was different?  As a teen I made a mental check list of the things I liked and the things I didn’t about ME.  I was convinced that I was ugly.  I even had my own visual reminder of my ugliness.   I looked to those around me to confirm my insecurities and they did!  God didn’t make me beautiful like others.  I was somehow overlooked.  I was sure of it!

I kept them hidden for awhile.  How could I possibly let anyone, but those closest to me see my ugliness?  I decided to take a chance when I went to youth camp.  Surely I could trust my roommates and friends with this insecurity, right?  It was the first time in awhile I felt naked… my feet were bare and free for all to see. 

I walked casually throughout our room preparing for bed hoping nobody would notice.  I grabbed my toothbrush turning quickly around as one girl passed by me.  So far, so good!  I rushed into the bathroom brushing my teeth frantically before anyone else had a chance to come in to see me.  As I went into the stall to change into my pj’s I heard the bathroom door open.  Uh, oh… now what?  I gathered my things and walked by my friend calmly as I went out the door.

I thought I was safe until I reached our room.  I was hoping to jump under the covers before anyone could see, but I had no such luck.  One friend was sitting on the bed, dangling her legs, waiting for everyone.  My hands were full of things as I entered the room.  I had no way of hiding my feet from her.  She saw.  I know she did.  I slowly put all of my stuff away hoping she didn’t say anything.

“What’s wrong with your feet?  They look like pigs feet.”  I shrugged at her that I didn’t know, but my heart was crushed.   The innocent comments of a young clueless teenager had scarred me.  I endured the rest of the week holding back the tears.  When I got home I worked up the courage to ask someone else close to me their opinion.  I shared the incident and waited for a response.  This person looked “them” over and said “well, I guess she might be right.”  My heart sunk.  The scars ran deep.  I was right.  God made me ugly.  I was broken.

From that moment on they went into hiding.  No flip flops or open toed shoes.  No one could see. No one could know. Only the trusted were privileged.  The insecurity grew into fear… fear of what others would think.

Over the years I developed a hatred of feet.  I know.  It sounds crazy to think about now or even say.  Feet, who cares about feet?  I did.  I was jealous of those with beautiful feet.  Manicured toenails displayed for all to see.  Pretty girls, with perfect feet, wearing flip flops freely with no worry in the world.  I longed to be them.

Babies were different of course.  Who could hate the feet of little babies?  I loved their feet!  I kissed my boys toes when they were little… of course until they began getting sweaty and stinky.  I have teens now and all I can say is… gross.  The stink is beyond words.

My husband was amazing through my struggles.  He is my faithful self-esteem builder.  He never ceases to tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am.  He has never, ever said anything negative to me about ME.  Instead of me feeling insecure, he has helped foster my security in him and God.  He has been a huge part of the healing process.  I am blessed to have such an amazing man love me so.  Thank you God!

I thought my troubles were bad until I met others with foot issues… crooked toes, weak feet, troubling ankles and the like.  I was fortunate.  My problem was more of an insecurity, than an actual medical issue.  I needed a different kind of healing.

I went to a ladies retreat a few years ago that was themed around shoes.  They blessed us with gifts all throughout the weekend.  One gift I received was a ladies shoe inscribed with the words “walk by faith” and a plaque with a scripture on it.  This is what it says…
“How beautiful are the feet
of those who bring good news!”
Romans 10:15 (NIV)

What did that scripture say?  How beautiful are the FEET of those who bring good news!  I thought about it as I read the scripture on the plaque.  I have been in the ministry for 15 + years doing my best to “bring the good news” of Christ to others.  I guess in that respect MY FEET have been beautiful.  Wow…God sees things differently, doesn’t He?

There is a song that comes to mind that I have heard before…

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You know what I have discovered the hard way… that God sees beauty differently than I do.  Surprise, surprise!  He sees a lot of things differently than I do.  I should have known.

I thought the ugliest part of ME was my feet, but I have found over my many years of hiding that God has a different opinion.  Something far more ugly has been lurking and growing in my life that needs to die… my PRIDE.

So here and now I proclaim… If God can use my “ugly feet” to reach one more soul for Him then by all means I surrender.  My insecurity, my fear, my feet are HIS.

He made me on purpose just the way I am and He thinks I’m beautiful.  That’s all that matters!


Psalm 139:13-16 says it perfectly

You made my WHOLE being; you formed me in my mother’s body.  I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.  What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well.  You saw my bones being formed as I took shape in my mother’s body. When I was put together there, you saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old. (NCV)

Are you struggling today with how God made you?  Is there some part of you that you detest?  I challenge you to flip the coin in a sense and try to see what God sees when He looks at you.  Let God validate, confirm, and verify to you that HIS opinion of you is what matters most!  He thinks YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL in His eyes or HANDSOME… whatever applies (giggle).  Walk in this new found freedom and shine.  You are a masterpiece friend!

Living to leave a legacy,

No comments:

Post a Comment