Sorry it’s
taken me so long to write on here. I thought I would give you an update on what’s
been going on with me. As some of you
may know I have an autoimmune disease I have struggled with for the past seven
years. It is not necessarily
life-threatening, but definitely life altering.
We have tried everything to get it to go into remission with no luck. I have had seasons of good health mixed in
with others that were pretty bad lasting longer than we expected. Recently I was approved to have special
treatments that could possibly throw me into a long-term remission (1-3yrs). The treatments started the end of September
and lasted four weeks. I was told I
wouldn’t start to notice the improvement until six weeks later which would be this
week. The treatment was risky, but worth
it. The downside has been the
side-effects I have struggled with since then. I am thankful they are only
fatigue and some occasional chest pains (not heart related). It could have been much worse. These have kept me up and down quite a bit
this past month. Hence the delay in
writing… it’s hard to focus when you are so exhausted.
So here is
the scoop on me that you have missed… I
am giving you the raw and real details of my journey. It may not be pretty! I have had my ups and downs over the past
seven years. It’s been pretty rough at
times. I have felt forgotten by God and
overlooked. I have been depressed,
disappointed, and overwhelmed. I have
felt with out purpose and hope. I have
wondered “Why me?” often and have prayed desperately hoping to hear God’s
voice… waiting for a miracle. I am human
just like you. I struggle. I worry.
I fear.
BUT… through
this journey I have also learned that looking back at my past has helped me
trust God with my future. Each time I
prayed and felt like it was hitting the walls, I remembered all the times God
moved on my behalf in the past and did amazing things. Each time I felt like I didn’t have purpose
or that I was forgotten, I was reminded of how in the past God used my
failures, unfortunate circumstances, or heartache to touch and inspire someone
else to keep moving forward. Why would
God do any different with this situation now?
I needed to trust Him blindly and believe He would be faithful.
In my
lowest moments (being sick)… when I got to the end of myself I found that God
was all I needed. He makes all of the
difference. His peace goes beyond our
comprehension and is priceless. My
relationship with God has changed so much.
It has grown deeper and more personal.
He has become so real to me. It’s
more than going to church. It’s more
than something I do or say that I am.
It’s personal. I don’t want to
play games… I want the real thing or nothing at all.
I have
watched a couple movies recently that have touched me deeply. Some phrases spoken in them have jumped off
the screen and settled into my heart. The
first was from the movie Courageous. If
you haven’t seen this movie yet you need to… it is so inspiring. There is a point in the movie where a grief
stricken father goes to visit his pastor for counseling and this is what the
pastor shares with him..."you can be angry for the time you
lost or grateful for the time you had." This is
paraphrased of course, but can apply to so many areas of our lives. SO true!
This quote is something I have struggled with off and on in the past. In a sense the past seven years have felt
wasted to me… being sick. BUT… I know
God doesn’t waste anything if we give it to Him. I have to admit I have stewed over what I
couldn’t do feeling I had no purpose. In
other moments I have been thankful for the simplest of tasks I could do no
matter how little. Sometimes we take
things for granted. I guess I did…
talking, seeing, walking, driving, eating whatever I want, the ability to
minister to others through teaching or preaching, and so much more. After wasting a lot of time stewing, I have
decided to be grateful for whatever God has allowed me to experience instead of
angry for the time lost. I have placed
my life in God’s hands and I trust Him with it and the details. I am not saying this has been easy… it is a choice
I have to make daily. Some days I choose
well and others I choose worry or fear over faith.
The second movie I saw recently was Soul Surfer. I highly recommend it! It is based on a true story. It’s about a girl who loses her arm in a
tragic shark attack while surfing. After
the attack she eventually works her way back into surfing and even
competing. Reporters swarmed her after
one of her competitions asking all kinds of questions. One asked this… “If you could go back to that
horrible day and surf again, would you do it?” This is what she said… “Surfing isn't the most important thing in
life. Love is. I've had the chance to embrace more people with one arm than I
ever could with two.”
Wow… how powerful. What perspective! That’s how I want to live every day… looking
for the good in even the most difficult situations I face. God has the ability to turn any bad situation
around for good when we give it to Him.
I can’t tell you how many people I have been able to minister to, love
on, encourage, lift out of their pit of despair, and pray with since being
sick. For some reason people feel more comfortable
and connect on a different level with me now.
My
sickness has affected many areas of my life opening doors to share and identify
with people I never would have dreamed.
I share openly and honestly about my journey. I have nothing to hide… I think that is why others
feel safe to share their lives with me.
If God can use these past seven years of sickness to touch even one
person for Him, I cannot count them as wasted.
I am grateful
for the chance to have even the hope of a symptom-free year. Many don’t have this option. I am blessed to have a family that has been
so supportive through all of this. My
husband has been amazing! He carried our
household in many ways taking on the role of mom and dad in a very crucial time
for our boys. He has loved me through all
seasons, all shapes, and sizes. He is my
hero and inspiration. I hope my boys
have been watching all of these years the depths of his love for me lived out
on a daily basis. It is immeasurable.
So… this is
me right now in a nutshell. Hopefully as
I start to feel better I will be writing more.
I am still working on finishing up my book called… “Surviving Life’s
Mudpuddles”… only three more chapters to
go. Coming soon!
I hope you
have been encouraged in some sense by my honest attempt to share the real me
with you with all its imperfections. If
God can use me to touch even one person for Him, He can use you too. I am always available to talk or pray with you. Be blessed today my friend!
Living to
leave a legacy,
Julie
